going mental

To some extent, mental "health" care got me into this mess. I'm not sure how this would have shaken out, but I do know that the pseudo-psychology of folks like Exodus International exacerbated this problem in my life. Their books, their preaching, their counseling, all encouraged me to hold on to the lie that I can be straight. To the clear detriment of my own mental health.

So when it comes to coming out of this mess with some semblance of health and wholeness, I'm more than skeptical about opening up to another person who may have an agenda and perspective that is not in line with my own. My psychiatrist is one matter: her care is primarily clinical/medical, focusing on levels of medication that even out the peaks and valleys. Let me tell you, psychiatric medication is a beautiful thing (despite some side effects).

But counseling... that's a whole 'nother beast. How do I open up to someone? I feel like I bottled up the gay-ness for so long, not telling anyone. Then I finally tell folks, and it becomes a battle to fight and a thing to change. I know a mainstream psychologist or counselor wouldn't do that, but there's a lingering mistrust of folks who get into the hard and dark places of the heart and have a lot of power to do what they will with that knowledge. I'm torn between obviously needing counseling, but being fearful of it at the same time.