what i believe (today, anyway)

I had to write a statement of faith for the church I've been attending. It was nice to get to hear other folks' statements, and it was a good exercise to write my own. Even if, per usual, mine was way long in comparison. But it sums up where I'm at right now, though parts of it might not even apply later on today -- my heart swings that wildly. Belief. Who knew it would be so hard?

---

I believe in God the Father,

a perfect parent, without any of the shortcomings of my earthly father and mother.

God is sovereign, yet unsearchable, acting or not acting in surprising ways;

some that I like and understand, some that I dislike and fail to understand.

I believe in a God who is neither safe nor predictable, yet is always good.

I believe that we, of our free choice, have disregarded God’s will and have fallen into sin.

The symptoms of our fallen condition are apparent everywhere:

In ourselves, in our internal struggles over right and wrong,

and in the fact that we far too often choose bad over good;

In our relationships, where we constantly are pulled toward selfish action,

and are consistently choosing to magnify ourselves to the detriment of others;

And in our communities, where we fail to care for those persons Jesus prioritized,

and are always looking for an “other” to exclude and be better than.

I believe in a God that was not content to let us stray away,

but sacrificed his own child for the sake of humankind

(a pain that, for any parent, is worse than one’s own death).

In the death of Jesus, the pattern of sin in the world was dealt a fatal blow.

Death itself was turned upside down, and began to work backwards,

allowing new life to spring up in the most unexpected places.

I believe in a God that never lets us go, no matter how hard we try to run,

Sending the Holy Spirit into the world to continue the work of reconciliation,

Comforting us when sin -- personal, relational, communal -- brings us pain

As well as when God fails to act to fix the broken things in our lives.

I believe the Holy Spirit is present in baptism and the Eucharist

in inexplicable yet powerful ways,

guiding and directing us even when we feel like we’re anchorless.

I believe in a God that does not fit into my boxes or categories,

Liberal in his love and mercy,

Arms wide-stretched to the poor and marginalized.

Yet God rufuses to coddle us, pushing us toward growth and change,

Calling us to be the hands and feet of the Kingdom of God,

Which, two steps forward and one and a half steps back,

God is surely bringing into the world. Even if it doesn’t seem like it.

I believe in God’s Church,

the universal community of believers at all time and in all places,

Headed by Christ, led by the Holy Spirit

Yet constantly screwing up, placing periods where God has placed commas,

Excluding certain races, genders, and sexual orientations where God has refused to do so.

Yet I still believe that the church is God’s chosen instrument

to bring God’s own Kingdom into the world,

Mirroring the brokenness of humanity,

Providing essential community,

And serving as a rather odd witness to the God that created the Church the way that He did.

I believe that God will one day,

In God’s own time,

Through a manner of God’s own choosing,

Probably in the way we all least expect,

Fix all that is broken in the world,

Right all wrongs,

Repair all wrecked relationships,

And will consummate God’s Kingdom in the new heavens and the new earth.

Lord Jesus, come and make it so.

Amen.

going mental

To some extent, mental "health" care got me into this mess. I'm not sure how this would have shaken out, but I do know that the pseudo-psychology of folks like Exodus International exacerbated this problem in my life. Their books, their preaching, their counseling, all encouraged me to hold on to the lie that I can be straight. To the clear detriment of my own mental health.

So when it comes to coming out of this mess with some semblance of health and wholeness, I'm more than skeptical about opening up to another person who may have an agenda and perspective that is not in line with my own. My psychiatrist is one matter: her care is primarily clinical/medical, focusing on levels of medication that even out the peaks and valleys. Let me tell you, psychiatric medication is a beautiful thing (despite some side effects).

But counseling... that's a whole 'nother beast. How do I open up to someone? I feel like I bottled up the gay-ness for so long, not telling anyone. Then I finally tell folks, and it becomes a battle to fight and a thing to change. I know a mainstream psychologist or counselor wouldn't do that, but there's a lingering mistrust of folks who get into the hard and dark places of the heart and have a lot of power to do what they will with that knowledge. I'm torn between obviously needing counseling, but being fearful of it at the same time.